Disillusion

You never loved me
I was a fool to think you did
I am unlovable

Too valuable to pass up
You had to try and keep me

So smart
So sexy
So dynamic

Never find someone as good
That's what you said
And I believe that
Not that it matters

What is smart, sexy, dynamic
What is this life worth without love?

I will never be loved
I do not have what it takes

Not pretty.
Not soft.
Not sweet.
Not the one to make YOU feel superhuman.

Too intimidating.
Too challenging.
Too scary.
Great friend. Great in bed. But no human heart for me.

And if you don't understand,
If no one understands,
then I envy you.

All I have is nothing without love.
I am not special in that way.
I'm just special in other ways.
Which makes folks think that this must not be so important.
Not for me.
But it is.

And if I want to die because I cannot have the only thing that makes life worth living.

Then it is only human.

Hindsight

I don't want to write this
and yet I have no choice
to live one must have a will to survive
and mine has taken me over.

The words do not come easily
They pour through my mind
broken fragments
too deeply felt for easy expression.

I need you to understand.
I love you.
but I cannot let you destroy me.

Layer after layer
we put down our foundation in words
thoughts expressed, shared, responded to.

We forged the union body to body.
I released myself utterly to you.
My heart was laid open
and you took it.

Every request you made was met.
Every promise I gave was fulfilled.
Every word I spoke was true.
Every thought you surrendered was considered.

I lapped up your praise,
your devoured words became my passion,
given to you without restraint.

You opened the door into your family,
your sacred space.
Gratitude filled my heart to overflowing.

Through all my questions you were resolute.
At each step you beckoned me forward.
You said I had to trust,
That you would catch me when I jumped.

Your desire for me was intoxicating.
I believed you.
There was no word of warning,
as I sent away my car, my commitments, my best friend.

And then you were in my arms again,
and I was beside myself with joy.
My partner, my lover,
My life mate was with me.

It was supposed to be the beginning of forever.

Only then came the doubt.
Spilling from your lips.
Every concern once uttered in my voice,
Now lashed my open heart in yours.

Denial closed around me like a shield.
Cognitive dissonance wracked my mind.
Trust, respect, communication;
How had I ended up here?

You have no idea what you have put me through.
And if I did not bring it up,
It would not occur to you to care.

Trust.
Where should I place it?
It has been made clear,
I was wrong to trust your words.
Yet I do not know how I could have guessed.

Respect.
You have none for me.
My plans, my safety, my needs,
Barely noted casualties,
In the epic consideration of your comfort.

Communication.
So dangerous with you.
When every thought expressed,
every expression, every look,
causes me to melt with love.

The loneliness which closed around me,
after you departed for your real life,
clutching my core in ice cold pain,
brought a clarity I can no longer fight
if I am to survive.

To want to be my family,
to want me to be in yours,
so surprising, so giving, so generous,
such a fantasy now put on indefinite hold.

Where is the balance lacking that illusory gift?

In these empty weeks of madness,
As I have struggled to survive,
My mind has turned inside out
Seeking the memories which would let me live.

Yet I am left empty.

The memories that I should have
To get me through this long dark night,
They were never created,
and I am left grasping at phantoms.

Your lips crushing against mine,
desperate to taste me.

Your fingertips tracing the lines;
jaw, neck, shoulders, thigh.

Your arms wrapping around me unexpectedly,
impulsively pulling me tight to you.

Your face buried in my shoulder,
breathing me in and shivering with desire.

Your hands stretched taught with passion,
exploring with forced restraint to extend a precious moment.

Where are my memories of being your woman?
Where are the moments of glorying in my femininity?

I have a memory of a night,
I started to assemble those tactile remembrances.
Seducing myself, using you.
For my trouble I received a scolding.

Something in my choice of venue offended.
I was returned to my place.
But I do not now,
Nor have I ever,
wanted to be your man.

But you do not now,
Nor have you ever,
treated me as your woman.

Hours have past,
which should have been used
to pull myself up
from where you knocked me down.

Instead I have created
Understanding and excuses
On your behalf.

Perhaps your selfishness is necessity.
Perhaps I too was incapable of giving,
Before I was truly honest about myself.
Before I told my loved ones my truths.

Perhaps your mind is still shaken,
By a marriage that did not survive,
Maybe you cannot help but test,
That I am not helpless without you.

Perhaps putting Henry first,
Has hardened your mind and heart,
Against considering the needs of others.

Perhaps you truly believed,
That I was invulnerable.
That I had no needs.
Or that I was lying about what they were.

The truth I have is that I love you,
and that I have let you come as close
to utterly destroying me,
as I can possibly allow.

I wear the ring.
I seek out no other.
But I cannot continue to pretend,
That I am not alone.

I have no partner.
But I am in love,
With an amazing girl,
Who I pray will one day grow up,
Into a woman that can love me.

Lost Love

My poor lost love,
So caught up in a journey I cannot share.

I see your struggle,
and I whisper my encouragements from so far away.
This is not a maze that I can navigate on your behalf.
In this your must find your own way.

What can I tell you to give you strength?
That I know your potential exceeds the needs of this test?

Shall I hope you cannot see that potential and present ability are not synonymous?
Shall I wrap you in comfort spun from intellect and charisma?
Shall I trick you into pursuing the path I would choose for you?

Thus depriving you of the very independence of thought that I cherish in you?
Deprive you of your chief virtue?
Sweetly steal from you of the personal strength of character which makes you so much more than the role you cast for yourself?

And what would that leave for me but a lifetime of lies?
Shall I bat my lashes and pretend it would be the same?
Spend our life pretending to an equality of minds my actions had succinctly mocked?
Would I hope you would never become embittered and confront me?
Or would I instead hope for the confrontation to cleanse my guilt with your hate?

There is nothing soft and easy for me to offer you.
There is only truth and knowledge.
I do not know that you can do this.
I do not know that you can handle a relationship with me.
I do not know that you have what it takes.

I know that you are just now beginning to wonder
about the weightiness of choosing to accept my love.
You have begun to guess that accepting my surrender,
would be to surrender yourself.

And what does the adult you know of surrender?
Only that which would make you recoil; fear; distrust; flee.

Perhaps you have become too practical to survive a leap of faith.
Too rigid, stable, reliable;
Unable to embrace flexibility, enthusiasm, support without damage.

And I have no wish to damage you.

What can I tell you now, but that you have time?

I will not rush you.
My path is set and will continue apace.
My hand will be out to you for as long as it can reach.
My heart will be yours forever.

Smooth like chocolate

Smooth like chocolate,
sassy like cinnamon,
succulent as the perfect steak,
ripe as the perfect pear.

Rippling laugh,
vivacious eyes,
mystifying.

Consumed,
mouth watering,
bruise my lips on you.

Tearing against the binds
holding us apart
wild and burning to touch.

Swept up in hunger,
need to possess you,
maddened by desire.

Panting with anticipation,
knowing I will brand your body
with my fire.

Goddess

Her day begins before the sun.
Knowing all she must get done.

Her feet hit the floor,
her mind alive,
she enters the world on top.

She already conquers
all she encounters,
She simply cannot stop.

Before the sun rises,
she has thwarted crises,
bolstered morale,
and righted wrongs.

Each error that's made,
at her feet it is laid.
She puts all back
where it belongs.

She runs without sustenance,
without time for rest,
and all falls inline in her wake.

Without all the back rubs,
the romance, the wine,
and all I would do for her sake.

To the innocent,
for whom she rights the world,
all seems to run on magic.

Without a thought,
he has perfect faith,
his life will never be tragic.

When he falls asleep,
he's at peace beneath the covers.

For what should you fear,
when a goddess is your mother?

Her business finessed,
she turns to the domestic,
no filth or disarray escapes her.

The day may be finite,
but her patience is not,
operations in her hands just purr.

Meals and fun and sleep are arranged,
for those who dwell in her hospitality.

Not a thought need be spared,
for those in her care,
their needs are met in totality.

She lays her head down
far too late each night
and rises again so early.

Does she even spare
a little thought there
for when she last did something girly?

So few moments stolen for her
to restore her godlike virtues.

though she could surely command,
anything within her purview.

And in those few moments,
if she thinks of me at all,
I hope she blushes head to toe,
and rushes quick to call,

knowing how I worship her,
and long for another kiss,

knowing how I need her love,
how everything about her I miss,

knowing my need to feel her close,
to make her shudder and moan,

knowing all I cannot do,
yet long to through the phone.

and if all that brings her just one smile,
one sigh of happiness,

then that is all I could ever want,
until I can get her undressed.

my oh so sexy baby

That special magic glow
I fell in love with as a child
staring into the infinite night skies
has somehow found its way
into the shining perfection of your eyes.

How do you know
how to curl those lips
to cast a tingling spell
shooting lightening through my veins
making me need to breath you in?

My skin has memorized the vibration of your purr
and whispers it to me
when I close my eyes
recalling the luscious lilt
of your every precious word.

You make me so deliciously uncomfortable.

I feel as though I am but a humble medium
chosen through blind helpless luck
to be the vessel through which
the universe fulfills its only mission:

to make mad passionate love to you,
the ineffable matrix of all creation
aligning to this one.
perfect.
eternal.
purpose.
striving with each breath,
with all that I can ever be,
to give to you one moment
worthy of your glorious love.

The Oddities of the Day

Today unfolded so strangely,
Yet without rancor;
A series of events
To which I was not the main
but a central player.

You were in my mind throughout.

As my misery unwinds me
Releasing me slowly to myself
I have been pushed by need
Eat, sleep, smoke, rest,
Step by step reclaiming my humanity.

Into this daze of rehabilitation
The consequences of life have drifted
Requiring my participation
And I have swayed without fight,
for in you I have peace.

The storms have come and gone
I have played advisor,
host, friend, philosopher,
each role coming so easily
my heart safe with you.

The pang of missing our time
Knowing your voice would linger brief
Was real and yet not desperate
Knowing too it would come again
and we would share all.

Was I with you today?
As you awoke and drove,
arrived and were welcomed?
For my heart was there
hoping to strengthen you in every moment.

The world is strange
and not quite right
when you and I do not
each night share our senses
weaving everything whole.

We will right this wrong
and I will celebrate in you,
with all the joy in me,
rewarding every neuron you possess
for being near enough for me to touch.

You are my truest love
and the vibration of matter
will not ring quite as sweet
until we are truly together
mind to mind,
body to body,
heart to beating heart.

In Celebration of You

There are no prose to express
the joy I've found in you
and I hope you will forgive
this meager attempt
to make you smile.

Here's to a treasure chest
to lighters, chapstick, sunglasses;
the beauty of simple plunder.

Here's to a mouth with curved smiling lips
which offers heartfelt laughter
and the sweetest kisses;
which loves all things cinnamon
and hates all surprises.

Here's to loving Henry
and finding a vacation
in a day filled with lego trains,
and so many sticky fingers.

Here's to sighs so lovely,
eyes that shines and softest skin,
to sacred quiet moments,
that you share with only me.

Here's to a love of wine
and loving it more when shared.

Here's to enjoying the adventure
in anything anywhere.

Here's to crying with old women,
of things too profound for words.

Here's to being a superstar
even when you don't feel it.

Here's to everything we'll share
even if we haven't yet.

Here's to loving all I know of you
and the more I'll come to know.

Here's to the warmth you fill me with
when you don't do anything at all.

I love you when you try to charm me,
when you say comforting words.
I love you when you're too tired,
and your feet too sore.

I love you when you're whiny,
and when you pout.
I love you when you're strong and proud,
the banisher of childish doubt.

I loved you yesterday,
and I'll love you forever,
but today was the anniversary
of you coming into the world
and if I were a religious person
I'd surely thank my lord.

Because I know one thing
above all others
and I want you to know too
I never would have known true happiness
if it weren't for all I've found in you.

A Closing Door

You said you were selfish
and I felt a pang.
It's a fault yours so rarely,
one I see so clearly in me.
Do you realize?

The door left open
for you to flee my love
you have asked that it be allowed to close:
that I hold you to your word,
that I honor your commitment.

And so I shall.

As my heart closes
around the reality
of you giving yourself to me
and claiming me in return
I am almost satisfied.

Let this truth escape me,
a lingering proof of the unsurpassed trust and faith
I cannot help but place in you,
for you should know the door left open
was for my own comfort.

The regret I have spoken of,
in years to come when looking back,
cuts both ways.

And so I shall overcome my trepidation
That you may not catch me
when I jump into your arms.

and do know that it is not the impact,
the regrouping in a foreign land,
that is the fear that I must conquer.

but rather the heartbreak I would ever feel
should you choose to close your heart to me.

and that truth which cannot be,
as I am right to trust you with my heart,
is the only thought so frightening
that it could give me pause.

Yet with such offerings,
of flowers and devotion
of love so valuable
because of its cherished source,
I would be a fool
not to honor my dearest love
by closing such a hateful door;

Embracing the all of you.

My Match

Your friends seem to know
so little of you
even less of me
and yet for so long
they have had your ear to bend.

There is no animosity in me
for their good intentions
but a fire has been ignited
and burns so hot and bright for you
to scare away the shadows their doubt summons.

Please do not misunderstand
my faith in your love is strong
and should their doubt become embodied
in any form which eyes could see
I know you would slay it.

You are strong for me and with me.
My heart is certain
that you stand at the ready
to strike fear into the hearts
of any who would do me ill.

Perhaps there are angles of attack
to which I am blind
as I fear you are
to seeds of harm
which strike only from within.

My dearest beauty,
for whom I could write endless prose,
I want to kiss your eyes awake
to the unique dangers
of unfounded trepidation.

Always do I say yes
to the weighing of logical concerns.
In so many ways
I have shown my religious devotion
to reason, reality, truth.

Yet, while holding judgement
and prizing fact over emotion
are indeed deeply correlated;
causation is an unjustifiable assumption,
and a ruinous one.

Let us abandon for a moment
the rosy glow of love
through which I always compose
when the perfection of you
is held in my mind.

In the stark gray light of consequence
where does hesitation now really lead?
Two paths diverge
and down each swaying time line
are so many faces of regret.

What do we even know of regret?
For I used to think I knew
of love, appetite, lust,
yet now the years before
hold only shallow landscapes.

No one gets what we have.

What we share only exists
due to the wonder that you are
and what wonder is in me
yet more because in our love
our lives are aglow with glorious new possibility.

Here and now,
as our seed takes root,
we tend our love
watching it grow into magnificence;
so much is woven into all that we will be.

Let me not regret
leaning into the fall.
Please forgive me
for enjoying the plunge.
Never have I been so terrified and alive.

At every opportunity
I will make your life a dream
of romance, love, and beauty
and will never be satisfied
by less than the soul of you.

You could so easily drive me to madness
by holding yourself back from me.
Pining, burning, perishing,
thinking you might feel
one heartbeat less than I.

Push me away and I will go,
my heart in your hand,
but my feet on the path,
into a lonely noir future.
All progress; no heart.

You are my happiness

My joy,
my love,
my sweet repose
You are the balm on my psychic wounds
Making tender thoughts once raw

The blackest pit
is cozy now
that the soft light of you
fills every corner
of a once lonely life.

I will rain kisses down
over the landscape of your perfection
praising every portion
of the ever wondrous whole
that is you.

Forever my life will be
lived in your honor
in thanks to you
for taking pain
and giving cherished love.

To you I am indebted
and hope to never fulfill
my obligation so that
each day I can wrap you up
in my gratitude.

You are the song
that caresses my lips
and lifts my heart
and dampens my eyes in joy
to be a vessel for affection.

With you I am invincible
and will hold back all storms
that threaten to take you from me,
the greatest threat of all,
for without you I am nothing.

Let me be mighty for you
as it is you who make me so.
Every talent, skill, and knowledge
in my treasure trove
lives only for you.

My princess,
my queen,
my goddess,
I am your humble servant
trembling from need for you.

Steaming

I had a plan when I called
An opening put together
to transition easily
from examination to request
but then there were technical difficulties

On a time line
we see where we stand
half way through
the second week
of your hardest time

My moods have run the gamut
though I have tried to rise
uplifting for your sake
self policing moments dwelt
to spare you some straw

But the ground has come up again
and this bottom seams further down
and damned if in this short black hour
I don't feel my need swell up
to vent my hatred for the world

So short a honeymoon?
Before my baser tendencies
of the less than pleasurable variety
do seep in like rain
to dispel my sweetness

I will as I cannot help confess
that while the world is heavy
striding your lovely shoulders
I have stubbed my metaphorical toe
and burn to scream my blame

You are all
and light and joy
and a million fine things
which make me feel rich
as I breath in my right it it

But they are small
and petty and thoughtless
and a million tiny pains
like childbirth without
the long but happy ending of sentience

And so you see
my life in your love is luscious
velvety sweetness
caressing every sense
both known and not yet known

my life in the soulless masses
cowardly automatons and whimpering animals
which they are
whips at my soul
fanning a fire of spite

which will burn me up
and perhaps others as well
if I do not find the way back
to that sweet peace in which
to breath out the hate and in your eyes.

So Dirty

My mind is in the gutter
when I lay in my bed alone
each night with only memories
to wrap my legs around
and desires which scream your name

Do you remember the massage?
Your hot voice letting me know
that so much was not needed
for me to own all of you
and yet I pleaded to continue

I had to slow down
had to stay my urges
needed to imprint every inch of you
on my faulty memory
to be replayed again and again

Each night my hands roam
over your sweet scented body
inhaling deeply
grasping at the phantom of you
my body crying out for reunion

The sound of your breath haunts me
The tensing and releasing of your muscles
under my needy hands
the satisfaction of your sighs
driving the fevered pounding of my blood

When will you let me own you again?
It cannot be soon enough
I crave only you
every inhalation is pain
without the promise of you in the air.

Music plays inside of me
singing out to you
adding a bounce to internal dialog
an unfamiliar smile
teasing at my lips

Thinking of you
has become a secret indulgence
fluttering joy inside me
pressing my compulsion
to make you laugh again

For what could be sweeter
than the dancing in your eyes
the curve of happy lips
the warmth of blushing skin
all for me

I am greedy for you
and wholly unashamed
at my selfishness
another first inspired by you
another source of gratitude in me

I want, need, demand
your all
the thought of which makes me giggle
like a school girl
with no comprehension of loss or pain

My necessity is fulfilled in you
proving that lightening does strike
no matter how unlikely
and I am the lucky winner
with all the effervescence entailed

For in my heart I know
without doubt
that as much as I have won you
you have also won me
and consider this once sad end

a prize.

Running

The pace is fast
faster than I want to admit
and even the charted territory
seems new and dangerous
now that the goal has a face

I am strong and capable,
smart and creative,
the solution to every problem;
but you are the solution to me
and what drives me is no longer theory

Do you know my need?
Do you feel the pressure
my begging to be let in?
bound by the chains of physics
from my true place

I am destined to be yours
your comfort,
your partner,
your relief from an unforgiving world
that does not see you as I can

My every strength is yours
use me well or use me poorly
it does not change my purpose
it cannot change my love
the meaning of which I have just come to understand.

You unlock me
by letting me unlock you
I know myself anew
through my knowledge of you
and I wouldn't take back a single second.

I have a million words
and will find the moments
to say each and every one
to fill you, lift you, rejoice in you
but for now there are only four:

eight and one half.

The Experiment: Day One

I managed to get to sleep by 8pm.
Then hit snooze again and again
Out of bed at 7am
Why did I need to sleep so long?
No time to stop and question.

One meeting done.
Another at 2pm.
Between now and then
A million little problems
must be solved.

Will I be done by the time you call?
If not will you understand
that all I am trying to do
is be the success
we need me to be?

How much of this day
will I spend thinking about you?
and will those thoughts hobble me?
or drive me forward?
Can I force this thing to be good for me?

What if working and poetry
are incompatible?
Will you lose interest?
Am I enough always
or only sometimes?

Can I be a programmer
and a lover?
Or is my malaise
due to some subconscious understanding
that I can only be one or the other?

Do I have the strength?
Can I find the strength?
To be yours and to me myself?
Have you changed me
so completely and so quickly?

Are impossible things
still within my purview?
Or will I disappoint?
Can I bring myself
to find out?

I did hear you

I want you to know that I heard you
I didn't miss the shiver in your voice
You've emotionally connected with this space
You come here to scratch an itch you can't explain
I know I won't make you go one to one.

I used to write poetry
It used to matter to me
My work and that scavenged of others
were treasures to me
rotting scraps of paper though they were

Words and magic are the same
There is no time in my memory
before the awareness of lyric
the importance of presentation
swing, lilt, tone, meaning

Your attraction to my words
is an uncontrollable aphrodisiac
causing my mind to swirl out of control
words lost to cravings
a flash, surging rush, deep breath

losing touch with everything
but the sudden need -
driving, urgent, unforgiving -
to experience your flesh again
all five senses buried in you.

My memory of your voice,
the way it breaks when you sigh
the dance of your laughter
the sweet murmur in the back of your throat;
I shiver.

I have so much to share
but it becomes lost
in my frustration
the impotence of my words
to bring me my desire.

It's not the caffeine

It's not the caffeine
that keeps me awake
even when exhaustion
fills every fiber
of my spent body

It's not the aches
the pains I have grown used to
causing me to toss
to turn and roll
in a bed that once was cozy

It's not loneliness
that clenches my thighs
against a swollen need
my blood racing
even without a single touch

It's not a normal itch
that drives me to rub my legs together
up and down
looking for a sensation
that's just not there

Every inch of me is hungry
and dissatisfied
Reliving the intoxication
that is you
but memories will not satisfy.

Pre Digested Memes

The language of love
closeness, affection, trust.
Effecting communication.
Adding another dimension of emotion.
I know what you mean.

You know what I mean
not at first
not without a journey
but on the path
the mental travel interweaves us.

Do you know why
my emotional territory
most comfortably settles in fives?
I worry that with anything less
I must be missing some hidden shade of meaning

Emotions are the precious veins
of experience always just
just out of reach
of pure, raw, words.
Something ergonomic is needed.

Sharing across the distance;
and I do not mean our bodies
but rather the infinite chasm
that separates individual mind from all,
Real alliance is a complex entity.

So I realize -
only because I am driven by you,
by my love of you,
by my need of you -
that communication is fractal.

Not linear.

How much is conveyed in a reference
to a book, to a place, to any noun
which is more than words
which is a shared emotional knowledge
that in sharing creates a new vaster landscape?

How much of what I give you
could only be delivered whole
to someone so interested in the grander implication
of every concept issued in my voice
as to be listening for more than bit for bit rendition

Always am I striving more
to understand and to convey,
Yet how can I warn with love
of the permanence of this process?
the end of which is rare and irreversible.

Somehow I cannot escape
my trust in you.

I don't want to do this without you

not another meeting
not another morning
not one more cup of coffee
not without you.

not one more break from work
not a single cigarette
please don't make me go to bed
not without you.

why is there one day
one sunrise or sunset
how can anything bear to be
without you?

in my life in front of me
I've seen all that is to be
but where there once was one
there stands a void, without you.

Driving me crazy

I can see you in my mind's eye
Picking out your matching pink,
Your ripped jeans,
Your black chemise,
The studs for your ears.

My mental picture of you bathes,
lotions and dresses,
brushes her teeth,
fills her pockets with essentials,
and tells her son goodnight.

In full 3D behind my eyelids
I see you depart into the young night,
headed to friends and anonymous dancing
Maybe the music will be great,
maybe you'll ignore all but the beat.

My heart contracts as you drive away,
as I lose your voice,
as you venture into a more real world
than the one we can create from a distance,
through a weak cell connection.

Later you're there again,
joining me in my bed
as a short glowing text message,
and the you in my mind instantly updates.
I hear your voice saying the words, breathless.

The you I keep in the cage of my mind
is now covered in a slight sheen of sweat,
the sweet smell of your flesh comes through
your body's heat pushing it across,
the club smell of liquor and stale smoke cannot deaden it.

The glow of your eyes is a bit fuzzy.
The drinks you've had have set your blood on fire,
and cast everything in a soft glow.
My heart surges with the wish to reach out
through the distance to clasp you close to me.

I am maddened
by the ghost of your scent in my nostrils,
the memory of your skin under my hands,
the softness of your lips against mine,
my need to own your body with my own.

My hands, once steady wielders of logistic greatness,
now shake with an ever present craving,
and seem so weak,
incapable for the first time
of delivering to me my highest need.

Two Nice Girls: Chloe Liked Olivia: Eleven

Eleven years old when Janis Joplin died
It was a time in her life full of feminine pride
A Wrinkle in Time and The Wind in the Willows
Hiding behind the summer clothes that billowed
On the line

With a head full of music and playful heart
With her two best friends you couldn't tear them apart
Reading notes and measures and Harriet the Spy
King of the mountain and a big blue sky
So open wide

Running like a girl
You go sailing past my window chased by tracers of the sun
Running like a girl
Meet me in the underbrush remember solid ground we touched

In our forested fortresses
Growing up fast on the edge of a storm
There was a peace to keep, a job to perform
Learning well how to settle into so polite
Quietly there by a TV light
So close inside

Proud and stoic with a sense of duty
No one there to notice her developing beauty
if they could have listened there was no mistaking
The dissonent sound of a young heart breaking
Open wide

Watching girlfriends lining up one by one
To pledge allegiance to the women they would soon become
They all quit sports and got a D in math
And you began to follow a narrow path
Once open wide

Running like a girl
You go sailing past my window blazing trails against the wind
Out into this world
Finding out about your difference I will give you love's assistance

Now that I am aware of you
I was stranded outside and I couldn't speak
Needed a soothing brain balm just to get through the week
I was feeling amputated from my neck to my shoes
And the gulf between my voice and my heart was ooh
So far and wide

When I woke from this dream I was thinking of you
How you've always known just what to do
With your skinny brown legs and your face to the sun
Nothing you've known has ever come undone
Heart open wide

Running like a girl
Tearing up my neighborhood under a big blue sky
Running like a girl
Meet me in the underbrush remember solid ground we touched

You are my weakness

Where has my self respect gone?
I am a world class programmer.
My theories regarding education and child rearing are unmatched.
There are those who are in awe of me.
So why am I your slave?

It seems that in a single weekend, we have switched roles.
Now I am the one dragging my feet.
Saying slow down, be reasonable.
I do not like this feeling.
And yet all I want is to be yours.

I was so solid, firm, resolute.
Patience exuded from me like a golden glow.
But for only a week.
And now with a word I am hopeless
I am hopelessly yours.

Your voice rang out to me
With love and compassion from across so many miles.
When I was low
In a pit of my own making
Drenched in despair at my own logistical fail.

Like a song your words lingered with me
As did my memories of your eyes, your smile, your skin.
The black wet highways coiled on in front and behind,
but your voice sang me home.
All I wanted was for you to caress my neck and shoulders till I fell asleep in your arms.

I should not give up my life and go to you.
Not while he is still there,
Benefiting from your largess,
Dwelling with you as a family of three.
I hate myself for even considering being the guest of that family.

And yet you said you want me,
And all I want is to go to you,
To forget about him and the rightness of my demand,
That he leave the bosom of your family before I enter it,
That you make room for me in your home, your family, your heart.

But I am helpless.
My pride is already shrieking and dying,
For it knows I will forsake it to be with you.

Within me...

Time extends forward in my mind.
I see you coming to spend a week in my world.
I see the months unfolding with urgent and barely contained longing.
I see my drive to gather resources, to achieve, to succeed.
I see the summer coming with so many visitors,
and me
charming them
weaving a shimmering spell to prevent them from seeing
that it is you who is ever present in my thoughts.

I see the short summer nights filled with careful pushes,
kicking off each of a series of logistical steps,
the end of which puts me in your arms each night and each morning,
for as long as time stretches towards the perpetual horizon.

Past that my vision becomes less distinct,
more scattered and dreamlike.
Mornings of making pancakes with Henry,
driving out to meet you for lunches,
stealing more time with each other than we strictly should.
Quiet conspiratorial chats where our minds wrap together,
our eyes feed into one another,
my hands collecting ever more reminders of your sweet skin.

Through the dream veil I see your smile as you meet my friends,
as you become part of my family,
as you realize how much the people that love me are enamored of you.

I do all I can to keep my minds unwinding reach just shy of that dreamy place,
lest the infinite temptations -
your shining eyes at well chosen gifts,
the joy of surprising you with a kiss,
the endless pleasures of moments arm in arm or hand in hand with you,
the feeling of your eyes and his mind on me,
as I share and teach and entertain your greatest treasure,
being your plus one at the riveting drama of Henry's unfolding life,
being the lucky soul to remind you in the darkness of your unique right to pleasure
- steal away my focus and drive,
making me too complacent, satisfied, joyful,
to achieve all that I am made to achieve.

Just shy of that dreaming place,
where lies the avalanche of action which brings you to me
and me to you,
and seals us together into a single, overwhelmingly powerful, life force,
that is what steals my mind and readies my hands
prepares and allows me to face each moment of each day
without fear,
without regret,
without anything but the pure conviction that each moment closes the distance between.

Consumed with thoughts of you

Led Zeppelin played on the radio in the car and thoughts of you consumed me.

And if I say to you tomorrow
Take my hand, child, come with me
It's to a castle I will take you
Where what's to be, they say will be

A-catch the wind, see us spin
Sail away, leave today
Way up high in the sky
It won't, but the wind won't blow, we really shouldn't go
It only goes to show that you will be mine, by takin' our time

And if you say to me tomorrow
Oh, what fun it all would be
then what's to stop us, pretty baby
but what is and what should never be

A-catch the wind, see us spin
Sail away, leave today
Way up high in the sky
It won't, but the wind won't blow, we really shouldn't go
It only goes to show that you will be mine, by takin' our time

So if you wake up with the sunrise
and all your dreams are still as new
and happiness is what you need so bad
Well, girl, the answer lies with you

A-catch the wind, see us spin
Sail away, leave today
Way up high in the sky
It won't, but the wind won't blow, we really shouldn't go
It only goes to show that you will be mine, by takin' our time

A-well, the wind won't blow, and we really shouldn't go
and it only goes to show
Catch the wind, we're gonna see us spin
We're gonna sail, little girl
Everybody I know seems to know me well
but does anyody know I'm gonna move like hell
I love ya
Baby, I love ya
Do, come on, now
I want you

Newly Dogeared Rilke

Page 7

I am, O Anxious One. Don't you hear my voice
surging forth with all my earthly feelings?
They yearn so high that they have sprouted wings
and whitely fly in circles around your face.
My soul, dressed in silence, rises up
and stands alone before you: can't you see?
Don't you know that my prayer is growing ripe
upon your vision, as upon a tree?

If you are the dreamer, I am what you dream.
But when you want to wake, I am your wish,
and I grow strong with all magnificence
and turn myself into a star's vast silence
above the strange and distant city, Time.