So Dirty

My mind is in the gutter
when I lay in my bed alone
each night with only memories
to wrap my legs around
and desires which scream your name

Do you remember the massage?
Your hot voice letting me know
that so much was not needed
for me to own all of you
and yet I pleaded to continue

I had to slow down
had to stay my urges
needed to imprint every inch of you
on my faulty memory
to be replayed again and again

Each night my hands roam
over your sweet scented body
inhaling deeply
grasping at the phantom of you
my body crying out for reunion

The sound of your breath haunts me
The tensing and releasing of your muscles
under my needy hands
the satisfaction of your sighs
driving the fevered pounding of my blood

When will you let me own you again?
It cannot be soon enough
I crave only you
every inhalation is pain
without the promise of you in the air.

Music plays inside of me
singing out to you
adding a bounce to internal dialog
an unfamiliar smile
teasing at my lips

Thinking of you
has become a secret indulgence
fluttering joy inside me
pressing my compulsion
to make you laugh again

For what could be sweeter
than the dancing in your eyes
the curve of happy lips
the warmth of blushing skin
all for me

I am greedy for you
and wholly unashamed
at my selfishness
another first inspired by you
another source of gratitude in me

I want, need, demand
your all
the thought of which makes me giggle
like a school girl
with no comprehension of loss or pain

My necessity is fulfilled in you
proving that lightening does strike
no matter how unlikely
and I am the lucky winner
with all the effervescence entailed

For in my heart I know
without doubt
that as much as I have won you
you have also won me
and consider this once sad end

a prize.

Running

The pace is fast
faster than I want to admit
and even the charted territory
seems new and dangerous
now that the goal has a face

I am strong and capable,
smart and creative,
the solution to every problem;
but you are the solution to me
and what drives me is no longer theory

Do you know my need?
Do you feel the pressure
my begging to be let in?
bound by the chains of physics
from my true place

I am destined to be yours
your comfort,
your partner,
your relief from an unforgiving world
that does not see you as I can

My every strength is yours
use me well or use me poorly
it does not change my purpose
it cannot change my love
the meaning of which I have just come to understand.

You unlock me
by letting me unlock you
I know myself anew
through my knowledge of you
and I wouldn't take back a single second.

I have a million words
and will find the moments
to say each and every one
to fill you, lift you, rejoice in you
but for now there are only four:

eight and one half.

The Experiment: Day One

I managed to get to sleep by 8pm.
Then hit snooze again and again
Out of bed at 7am
Why did I need to sleep so long?
No time to stop and question.

One meeting done.
Another at 2pm.
Between now and then
A million little problems
must be solved.

Will I be done by the time you call?
If not will you understand
that all I am trying to do
is be the success
we need me to be?

How much of this day
will I spend thinking about you?
and will those thoughts hobble me?
or drive me forward?
Can I force this thing to be good for me?

What if working and poetry
are incompatible?
Will you lose interest?
Am I enough always
or only sometimes?

Can I be a programmer
and a lover?
Or is my malaise
due to some subconscious understanding
that I can only be one or the other?

Do I have the strength?
Can I find the strength?
To be yours and to me myself?
Have you changed me
so completely and so quickly?

Are impossible things
still within my purview?
Or will I disappoint?
Can I bring myself
to find out?

I did hear you

I want you to know that I heard you
I didn't miss the shiver in your voice
You've emotionally connected with this space
You come here to scratch an itch you can't explain
I know I won't make you go one to one.

I used to write poetry
It used to matter to me
My work and that scavenged of others
were treasures to me
rotting scraps of paper though they were

Words and magic are the same
There is no time in my memory
before the awareness of lyric
the importance of presentation
swing, lilt, tone, meaning

Your attraction to my words
is an uncontrollable aphrodisiac
causing my mind to swirl out of control
words lost to cravings
a flash, surging rush, deep breath

losing touch with everything
but the sudden need -
driving, urgent, unforgiving -
to experience your flesh again
all five senses buried in you.

My memory of your voice,
the way it breaks when you sigh
the dance of your laughter
the sweet murmur in the back of your throat;
I shiver.

I have so much to share
but it becomes lost
in my frustration
the impotence of my words
to bring me my desire.

It's not the caffeine

It's not the caffeine
that keeps me awake
even when exhaustion
fills every fiber
of my spent body

It's not the aches
the pains I have grown used to
causing me to toss
to turn and roll
in a bed that once was cozy

It's not loneliness
that clenches my thighs
against a swollen need
my blood racing
even without a single touch

It's not a normal itch
that drives me to rub my legs together
up and down
looking for a sensation
that's just not there

Every inch of me is hungry
and dissatisfied
Reliving the intoxication
that is you
but memories will not satisfy.

Pre Digested Memes

The language of love
closeness, affection, trust.
Effecting communication.
Adding another dimension of emotion.
I know what you mean.

You know what I mean
not at first
not without a journey
but on the path
the mental travel interweaves us.

Do you know why
my emotional territory
most comfortably settles in fives?
I worry that with anything less
I must be missing some hidden shade of meaning

Emotions are the precious veins
of experience always just
just out of reach
of pure, raw, words.
Something ergonomic is needed.

Sharing across the distance;
and I do not mean our bodies
but rather the infinite chasm
that separates individual mind from all,
Real alliance is a complex entity.

So I realize -
only because I am driven by you,
by my love of you,
by my need of you -
that communication is fractal.

Not linear.

How much is conveyed in a reference
to a book, to a place, to any noun
which is more than words
which is a shared emotional knowledge
that in sharing creates a new vaster landscape?

How much of what I give you
could only be delivered whole
to someone so interested in the grander implication
of every concept issued in my voice
as to be listening for more than bit for bit rendition

Always am I striving more
to understand and to convey,
Yet how can I warn with love
of the permanence of this process?
the end of which is rare and irreversible.

Somehow I cannot escape
my trust in you.