Disillusion

You never loved me
I was a fool to think you did
I am unlovable

Too valuable to pass up
You had to try and keep me

So smart
So sexy
So dynamic

Never find someone as good
That's what you said
And I believe that
Not that it matters

What is smart, sexy, dynamic
What is this life worth without love?

I will never be loved
I do not have what it takes

Not pretty.
Not soft.
Not sweet.
Not the one to make YOU feel superhuman.

Too intimidating.
Too challenging.
Too scary.
Great friend. Great in bed. But no human heart for me.

And if you don't understand,
If no one understands,
then I envy you.

All I have is nothing without love.
I am not special in that way.
I'm just special in other ways.
Which makes folks think that this must not be so important.
Not for me.
But it is.

And if I want to die because I cannot have the only thing that makes life worth living.

Then it is only human.

Hindsight

I don't want to write this
and yet I have no choice
to live one must have a will to survive
and mine has taken me over.

The words do not come easily
They pour through my mind
broken fragments
too deeply felt for easy expression.

I need you to understand.
I love you.
but I cannot let you destroy me.

Layer after layer
we put down our foundation in words
thoughts expressed, shared, responded to.

We forged the union body to body.
I released myself utterly to you.
My heart was laid open
and you took it.

Every request you made was met.
Every promise I gave was fulfilled.
Every word I spoke was true.
Every thought you surrendered was considered.

I lapped up your praise,
your devoured words became my passion,
given to you without restraint.

You opened the door into your family,
your sacred space.
Gratitude filled my heart to overflowing.

Through all my questions you were resolute.
At each step you beckoned me forward.
You said I had to trust,
That you would catch me when I jumped.

Your desire for me was intoxicating.
I believed you.
There was no word of warning,
as I sent away my car, my commitments, my best friend.

And then you were in my arms again,
and I was beside myself with joy.
My partner, my lover,
My life mate was with me.

It was supposed to be the beginning of forever.

Only then came the doubt.
Spilling from your lips.
Every concern once uttered in my voice,
Now lashed my open heart in yours.

Denial closed around me like a shield.
Cognitive dissonance wracked my mind.
Trust, respect, communication;
How had I ended up here?

You have no idea what you have put me through.
And if I did not bring it up,
It would not occur to you to care.

Trust.
Where should I place it?
It has been made clear,
I was wrong to trust your words.
Yet I do not know how I could have guessed.

Respect.
You have none for me.
My plans, my safety, my needs,
Barely noted casualties,
In the epic consideration of your comfort.

Communication.
So dangerous with you.
When every thought expressed,
every expression, every look,
causes me to melt with love.

The loneliness which closed around me,
after you departed for your real life,
clutching my core in ice cold pain,
brought a clarity I can no longer fight
if I am to survive.

To want to be my family,
to want me to be in yours,
so surprising, so giving, so generous,
such a fantasy now put on indefinite hold.

Where is the balance lacking that illusory gift?

In these empty weeks of madness,
As I have struggled to survive,
My mind has turned inside out
Seeking the memories which would let me live.

Yet I am left empty.

The memories that I should have
To get me through this long dark night,
They were never created,
and I am left grasping at phantoms.

Your lips crushing against mine,
desperate to taste me.

Your fingertips tracing the lines;
jaw, neck, shoulders, thigh.

Your arms wrapping around me unexpectedly,
impulsively pulling me tight to you.

Your face buried in my shoulder,
breathing me in and shivering with desire.

Your hands stretched taught with passion,
exploring with forced restraint to extend a precious moment.

Where are my memories of being your woman?
Where are the moments of glorying in my femininity?

I have a memory of a night,
I started to assemble those tactile remembrances.
Seducing myself, using you.
For my trouble I received a scolding.

Something in my choice of venue offended.
I was returned to my place.
But I do not now,
Nor have I ever,
wanted to be your man.

But you do not now,
Nor have you ever,
treated me as your woman.

Hours have past,
which should have been used
to pull myself up
from where you knocked me down.

Instead I have created
Understanding and excuses
On your behalf.

Perhaps your selfishness is necessity.
Perhaps I too was incapable of giving,
Before I was truly honest about myself.
Before I told my loved ones my truths.

Perhaps your mind is still shaken,
By a marriage that did not survive,
Maybe you cannot help but test,
That I am not helpless without you.

Perhaps putting Henry first,
Has hardened your mind and heart,
Against considering the needs of others.

Perhaps you truly believed,
That I was invulnerable.
That I had no needs.
Or that I was lying about what they were.

The truth I have is that I love you,
and that I have let you come as close
to utterly destroying me,
as I can possibly allow.

I wear the ring.
I seek out no other.
But I cannot continue to pretend,
That I am not alone.

I have no partner.
But I am in love,
With an amazing girl,
Who I pray will one day grow up,
Into a woman that can love me.

Lost Love

My poor lost love,
So caught up in a journey I cannot share.

I see your struggle,
and I whisper my encouragements from so far away.
This is not a maze that I can navigate on your behalf.
In this your must find your own way.

What can I tell you to give you strength?
That I know your potential exceeds the needs of this test?

Shall I hope you cannot see that potential and present ability are not synonymous?
Shall I wrap you in comfort spun from intellect and charisma?
Shall I trick you into pursuing the path I would choose for you?

Thus depriving you of the very independence of thought that I cherish in you?
Deprive you of your chief virtue?
Sweetly steal from you of the personal strength of character which makes you so much more than the role you cast for yourself?

And what would that leave for me but a lifetime of lies?
Shall I bat my lashes and pretend it would be the same?
Spend our life pretending to an equality of minds my actions had succinctly mocked?
Would I hope you would never become embittered and confront me?
Or would I instead hope for the confrontation to cleanse my guilt with your hate?

There is nothing soft and easy for me to offer you.
There is only truth and knowledge.
I do not know that you can do this.
I do not know that you can handle a relationship with me.
I do not know that you have what it takes.

I know that you are just now beginning to wonder
about the weightiness of choosing to accept my love.
You have begun to guess that accepting my surrender,
would be to surrender yourself.

And what does the adult you know of surrender?
Only that which would make you recoil; fear; distrust; flee.

Perhaps you have become too practical to survive a leap of faith.
Too rigid, stable, reliable;
Unable to embrace flexibility, enthusiasm, support without damage.

And I have no wish to damage you.

What can I tell you now, but that you have time?

I will not rush you.
My path is set and will continue apace.
My hand will be out to you for as long as it can reach.
My heart will be yours forever.

Smooth like chocolate

Smooth like chocolate,
sassy like cinnamon,
succulent as the perfect steak,
ripe as the perfect pear.

Rippling laugh,
vivacious eyes,
mystifying.

Consumed,
mouth watering,
bruise my lips on you.

Tearing against the binds
holding us apart
wild and burning to touch.

Swept up in hunger,
need to possess you,
maddened by desire.

Panting with anticipation,
knowing I will brand your body
with my fire.

Goddess

Her day begins before the sun.
Knowing all she must get done.

Her feet hit the floor,
her mind alive,
she enters the world on top.

She already conquers
all she encounters,
She simply cannot stop.

Before the sun rises,
she has thwarted crises,
bolstered morale,
and righted wrongs.

Each error that's made,
at her feet it is laid.
She puts all back
where it belongs.

She runs without sustenance,
without time for rest,
and all falls inline in her wake.

Without all the back rubs,
the romance, the wine,
and all I would do for her sake.

To the innocent,
for whom she rights the world,
all seems to run on magic.

Without a thought,
he has perfect faith,
his life will never be tragic.

When he falls asleep,
he's at peace beneath the covers.

For what should you fear,
when a goddess is your mother?

Her business finessed,
she turns to the domestic,
no filth or disarray escapes her.

The day may be finite,
but her patience is not,
operations in her hands just purr.

Meals and fun and sleep are arranged,
for those who dwell in her hospitality.

Not a thought need be spared,
for those in her care,
their needs are met in totality.

She lays her head down
far too late each night
and rises again so early.

Does she even spare
a little thought there
for when she last did something girly?

So few moments stolen for her
to restore her godlike virtues.

though she could surely command,
anything within her purview.

And in those few moments,
if she thinks of me at all,
I hope she blushes head to toe,
and rushes quick to call,

knowing how I worship her,
and long for another kiss,

knowing how I need her love,
how everything about her I miss,

knowing my need to feel her close,
to make her shudder and moan,

knowing all I cannot do,
yet long to through the phone.

and if all that brings her just one smile,
one sigh of happiness,

then that is all I could ever want,
until I can get her undressed.

my oh so sexy baby

That special magic glow
I fell in love with as a child
staring into the infinite night skies
has somehow found its way
into the shining perfection of your eyes.

How do you know
how to curl those lips
to cast a tingling spell
shooting lightening through my veins
making me need to breath you in?

My skin has memorized the vibration of your purr
and whispers it to me
when I close my eyes
recalling the luscious lilt
of your every precious word.

You make me so deliciously uncomfortable.

I feel as though I am but a humble medium
chosen through blind helpless luck
to be the vessel through which
the universe fulfills its only mission:

to make mad passionate love to you,
the ineffable matrix of all creation
aligning to this one.
perfect.
eternal.
purpose.
striving with each breath,
with all that I can ever be,
to give to you one moment
worthy of your glorious love.

The Oddities of the Day

Today unfolded so strangely,
Yet without rancor;
A series of events
To which I was not the main
but a central player.

You were in my mind throughout.

As my misery unwinds me
Releasing me slowly to myself
I have been pushed by need
Eat, sleep, smoke, rest,
Step by step reclaiming my humanity.

Into this daze of rehabilitation
The consequences of life have drifted
Requiring my participation
And I have swayed without fight,
for in you I have peace.

The storms have come and gone
I have played advisor,
host, friend, philosopher,
each role coming so easily
my heart safe with you.

The pang of missing our time
Knowing your voice would linger brief
Was real and yet not desperate
Knowing too it would come again
and we would share all.

Was I with you today?
As you awoke and drove,
arrived and were welcomed?
For my heart was there
hoping to strengthen you in every moment.

The world is strange
and not quite right
when you and I do not
each night share our senses
weaving everything whole.

We will right this wrong
and I will celebrate in you,
with all the joy in me,
rewarding every neuron you possess
for being near enough for me to touch.

You are my truest love
and the vibration of matter
will not ring quite as sweet
until we are truly together
mind to mind,
body to body,
heart to beating heart.